On this page are the funny jokes that were emailed to me. Most are religious in nature.
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine.
One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
1. How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
One. Their hands are in the air anyway.
2. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. God has predestined when the lights will be on.
3. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Change?? Who said anything about change?
4. How many neo-evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.
5. How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
6. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
7. How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. Any more would compromise the denominational standards of light and the new one must be exactly like the old one.
8. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
At least ten. They need to hold a debate on whether or ot the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.
9. How many Anglicans or Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use candles.
10. How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change it and nine to sit around and talk about how good the old one was.
11. How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
12. How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
"We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service. We explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to spiritual luminescence."
13. How many Church of Christ folks does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Light bulbs are not mentioned in the New Testament, therefore it would be unscriptural to change one, or anything else, for that matter. Besides, the bulb has to be immersed first, which shorts it out.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had just about decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
Incredulously, the bishop blurted out, "But. . .you have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man: "Observe!"
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window, falling to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
{WAIT! WAIT! Not through yet}
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a word-of-the-day...), the bishop continued his interviews for a new bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop...
"....but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
A third grade teacher gave each child in her class the first half of a well-known proverb, and had them finish it. Their insight may surprise you...
Better to be safe than................Punch a 5th grader.
Strike While the......................Bug is close.
It's always darkest before............Daylight Savings time
Never underestimate the power of......termites.
You can lead a horse to water but.....how?
Don't bite the hand that..............looks dirty.
No news is............................impossible.
A miss is as good as a ...............Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new........math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.....stink in the morning. Love all, trust.......................me.
The pen is mightier than the .........pigs.
An idle mind is.......................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's...........pollution.
Happy the bride who...................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is......................not much.
Two's company, three's................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what......you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...............you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as..................Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not.......spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed.........get new batteries.
You get out of something what you.....see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind......get out of the way.
I have learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But I have often wondered, what if God had voice mail?
Imagine praying and hearing this:
* Press 1 for requests.
* Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
* Press 3 for complaints.
* Press 4 for all other inquiries.
What if God used the familiar excuse?
* All the angels are helping other customers right now.
* Please stay on the line. Your call will be answered in the order it was received.
Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you called on God in Prayer?
* If you would like to speak with Gabriel, press 1.
* For Michael, press 2.
* For any other angel press 3.
* If you'd like King David to sing a psalm for you, press 4.
* To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, enter his or her social security number.
* For reservations at My Father's House, press the letters J O H N followed by the numbers 316.
* For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, and where Noah's ark is, wait until you get here.
* Our computers show that you have called once today already. Please hang up immediately.
* This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday after 9:00 a.m.
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.
When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.
When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins. He said, "The first one was a girl."
The mother: "What did you name her?!?"
The brother responded "Denise!"
The mom replied "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"
The brother responded "The second one was a boy."
The mom asked "Oh, and what did you name him??"
The brother responded "Denephew."
A priest woke one Sunday morning and decided it was such a good day that he would ring in sick for church and go to play golf instead. He packed his clubs and went to the golf course.
Meanwhile God and St. Peter are sitting around in Heaven watching the priest, St. Peter turns to God and says "Are you going to let him get away with this?"
"Of course not" says God, "I`ll fix him." The priest arrives at the golf course and heads straight to the first tee. His first drive is a perfect draw shot, landing in the ideal position for the approach shot to the green. His second shot lands a metre from the pin leaving him an easy uphill tap in for birdie. On the par 5 2nd, he hits a beautiful drive down the middle, knocks a fairway wood to the front of the green and gets up and down for another birdie. This goes on hole after hole and the priest is in raptures, he`s playing the greatest game of his life.
Meanwhile, back in Heaven St. Peter and God are interested spectators. St. Peter turns to God and says "This guy is playing the game of his life, I thought you were going to get him for missing church?"
God turns to St. Peter and says "You`re right, he is playing a great game, but who is he going to tell about it?"
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of
soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy
Relief Maid
Dear Maid,
I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
- On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, - 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
A young Jewish couple were on their honeymoon. The next morning the bride got up to use the bathroom, but the groom had left the toilet seat up and she fell in and got stuck.
Her husband rushed in to help her, but she was securely wedged and all he managed to do was rip her nightgown to shreds. Finally he gave up and called the plumber.
When the plumber arrived, the groom suddenly realized that his wife was in the bathroom, essentially naked! Flustered, he grabbed his yarmulke and placed it over her private parts, then called the plumber in.
"What do you think?" asked the husband. The plumber replied, "Well, I can get her out, but I think the rabbi is a goner."
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competion was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.
Terrified, they did so -- thereby proving
Are you ready for this?!
that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."
God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts.
She said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."
After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.
Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend, Leroy. Now Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat). So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.
Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours Truly, Leroy.
Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.
Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Leroy
Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions.
He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.
Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. You know who.
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you!" the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot answered, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus!"
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising force.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back!
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender left the bar and asked meekly, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!" and felt quite good about himself that he did a good deed and made someone feel happy.
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
A lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she holds up a hand and says: "ACTS 2:38!!!"
The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops.
When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this.
One of them asked the lady, "How did you do this?"
The woman replied: "I quoted scripture."
The cop turned the burlgar: "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?"
The burglar replied, "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!!"
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
She writes:
The other day I went to the local religious bookstore where I saw a "Honk if you REALLY know Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection...just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't noticed that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked!! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy.
He really must love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"!
In a clear, ringing voice, somebody behind him yelled "move along for Christ's sake!"
Then everyone else started honking too; so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was a Hawaiian good luck sign; so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, and gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love ya all, Grandma
A Panda Bear walks into a cafe and orders a sandwich and a drink. After he is finished eating, the waiter comes over to bring him the check. When the waiter arrives at the table, he just starts to ask, 'Would you like any dessert...'
Then the Panda Bear reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.
The Panda Bear then wipes off his chin with his napkin, gets up, and starts to walk out.
Just as he is about to go through the door, the manager grabs him. 'Wait a minute!' he yells, 'You just killed my best waiter! Besides that, you didn't even pay for your sandwich!'
The Panda Bear grasps the manager by the throat, jacks him up, and growls, 'Hey man! I'm a PANDA! Do you know what that means? Why don't you look it up!'
At this the Panda walks out the door and ambles down the street.
The manager, shaken, returns to his office and consults a dictionary. He reads:
'Panda - a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bears and characterized by bold black and white markings...
Eats shoots and leaves.'
Jesus, Moses and an old man were teeing off on the 16th hole on heaven's golf course. The 16th hole is a par 3 (short) over a lake.
Moses, the first to tee off, steps up and swings, and the ball dives right for the water.
He instantly spreads his arms, the water parts, and the ball rolls across the bottom of the lake and up on to the green.
The others complement him on his shot, and then Jesus steps up for his turn.
Like Moses, Jesus' ball heads straight for the water, but when it gets there, it just rolls across the surface of the lake, continuing until it gets across and rolls up onto the green.
After showering him with complements, the old man steps up to take his shot.
His ball also dives for the lake, but bounces off the back of a turtle and on to the far shore. There, a squirrel picks up the ball and heads for the woods.
As the others begin to laugh, a hawk swoops down and picks up the squirrel.
As the hawk flies over the green, it squeezes the squirrel.
The ball falls out of the squirrels mouth, bounces once on the green, and then rolls into the cup.
Jesus turns to the man and says, "Nice shot dad!"
George went to Heaven, but he missed his friend who went to hell. George kept pestering Saint Peter to let him visit his friend, Sam France, in hell and finally Saint Peter consented. But Peter warned him, whatever you do, hold on to your harp ! So George held on to his harp and went down to hell for a day.
When he got there, he saw people gambling and drinking and dancing in a disco. He found his friend Sam and found out that he owned the disco and Sam showed him around and they talked over some drinks.
It was almost midnight when he found that his harp had been stolen, so he went back to Heaven without it.
Saint Peter said" Where's your harp? He said " I left my harp in Sam France disco.
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, Jesus died between two thieves... and that's how I want to die
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this, let's say we have a man making contest." To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!"
But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts each had been able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.
The third said: "You remember how mom enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him, he's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it.
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks . . .
"Milton," she said, "the house you built is beautiful but it is so big. I live only in one room but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And, that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"And, my dearest Donald," she said . . . . .
"The chicken was delicious!"